


The Dark Lord as "Crazy Cat Lady"

by modernKhione



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-11
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-03-22 10:17:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3725161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/modernKhione/pseuds/modernKhione
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm trying to make a crackfic idea work. (What if the Dark Lord was a crazy cat lady--erm, excuse me, lord?)</p><p>Featuring Nagini as jealous protagonist and Daisy, Persian fluffball extraordinaire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Wormtail Feeds the Cat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ananiah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ananiah/gifts).



_Meow._

Lord Voldemort paused in his speech and spared a cursory glance for the Persian on the table.

“My Lord?”

Voldemort hissed at the lackey who dared to speak to him. “ _Did I not tell you to keep quiet, Wormtail?_ ”

“Y-yes, my Lord. But I thought--”

“I do not care what you think, Wormtail,” said the Dark Lord. “You are simply here to make sure my children are fed.”

“But my Lord--”

“Did you not hear the Dark Lord?” spat Bellatrix. “Go do the work you have been assigned!”

Wormtail whimpered. “Yes, yes my Lord, my lady Bellatrix,” he snivelled. Then he shuffled off to the other end of the table, back hunched over, and began to feed the Persian cat.

The Dark Lord sat back in his chair, appeased.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this came out of a lunch discussion. [Ananiah](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ananiah/profile) may or may not have been implicated.
> 
> I'm going to continue this with drabbles. Not sure how though. Suggestions are welcome. :)


	2. In Which Nagini Ponders Her Choices

Nagini slitted her eyes even more than they already were.

_Meow meow._

This interloper had to be stopped. Nagini hissed. “ _You do not_ _underssstand my massster...leave now before I kill you_.”

_Meow?_

The fluffly atrocity in front of her dared to tilt its head. Nagini hissed again, slithering closer to it. “ _Your fake innocence doesss not fool me. The Dark Lord_ _isss_ my _massster.”_

_Meow!_

The mass of white fur purred as a pale, long-fingered hand dropped down to stroke it.

“ _Nagini,_ ” hissed her Lord, “ _It pleases me that you are getting along with Daisy._ ”

Nagini paused, half-way to baring her fangs at the cat. “ _My Lord?_ ”

Her Lord smiled indulgently, more a flashing of flat teeth than anything else. “ _Show Daisy around the Manor. I am sure you will both enjoy the grounds...immensely._ ”

Nagini tasted the air to see whether her master was making one of his rare jokes.

He wasn’t.

If Nagini weren’t already parallel to the ground, her heart would have sunk.

“ _Of...courssse...we will._ ”

There was more than one kind of fun to be had, after all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I want to implicate the peacocks next time.


	3. In Which the Abomination Makes an Escape

Daisy sat there, daintily licking her paws. Nagini tried again. “ _I shall duel with you. Prepare yoursself!_ ”

The furry abomination shrieked as Nagini came at it with her fangs dripping venom. Nagini, spitting and hissing in delight, clamped down her jaw and feasted upon the taste of...wait, was that chicken? What were feathers doing in her mouth?

Nagini tried to shake herself off the beast, but her fangs were too deeply entrenched. From a distance, she heard the panicked squawks of what were unmistakeably birds.

Oh, of course.

There had been peacocks in this house.

“ _Curses_ ,” she tried to say around the fowl mouthful. It didn’t quite come out that way though.

_I will get you for this, atrociously-named abomination!_ Nagini thought at the cat. _You shall taste defeat at my fangs! I will get my master back!_

 

 


	4. In Which Nagini Really, Really, Really Isn't a Team Player

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trap is set for poor Ms Bagshot. But with one slight change...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am continuing this crackfic until Nagini dies.
> 
> No. Like, literally.

Nagini slithered around the house, carefully creaking each floorboard. She intimated a serpentine version of a laugh by shaking her head and unhinging her jaw when her lord and master finished speaking. _“Do not worry, ssssire. I will give the hissstorian a very_ perssssonal _welcome home.”_

The Dark Lord seemed pleased by this. _“Good, Nagini.”_ Then he paused, as if debating something with himself. Nagini felt her bloodlust heighten; her master’s plans usually came fully-formed. Something to flavor the blood? Crones very rarely tasted good.

Lord Voldemort straightened, and reached into his wizard’s cloak. _“Take Daisy with you. I’m sure she shall aid you well in your mission, my pet.”_

The Persian fluffball emerged from somewhere on Lord Voldemort’s person (Nagini tried very hard not to wonder about where the atrocity had been previously), a shining beacon of purity and light in the otherwise dark dwelling.

Nagini hissed.

Her lord frowned. _“No, Nagini. Think of how suitable Daisy is for the trap. I expect you to...get along.”_ That last phrase had barely left the Dark Lord’s lips before he started shuddering in disgust. _“Do not make me say it again. This is a mission I entrust only to you, my darlings.”_

Nagini made the serpentine equivalent of a groan. It sounded like a cross between a small lawnmower and a balloon that had lost its air.

Daisy positively bounced off the Dark Lord’s hands and onto the floor, licking her paws daintily. She gave Nagini a side-eye. And then she had the audacity to _smirk_.

Nagini unhinged her jaw, injecting venom into her fangs. _“Very...well. Sssir.”_

Daisy purred.


	5. In Which a Battle is Begun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the last three bits all at once, so I'm skipping the summary. (Is a summary honestly necessary for this?)
> 
> Anyway, I'm taking my crack fic seriously! I already have another Voldy crack fic idea. (We are sorely lacking in that department, despite the hundreds of thousands of HP fic out there...)

It was a dark night, made darker by the howls and screams that rent the air, the tell-tale bangs and crackles of curses acting as percussion for the event; The Battle for Hogwarts had just begun.

Nagini moved about impatiently in the shack, chewing (metaphorically, unfortunately) on Daisy. On the one hand, the feline was a harmless furball who had, at the very least, aided in that last mission with the old woman, though the tasty-looking humans had gotten away in the end. On the other hand...Nagini eyed said furball in question while slithering in figure-eights on the creaky floorboards. Daisy had been entirely too nonchalant about the whole debacle, despite having been faced with the Dark Lord’s wrath. That cat was up to no good, and Nagini was sure of it! She had to warn her master.

But--

Then again, Daisy _had_ been helpful…

And her master had _so_ wanted them to get along…

And perhaps Nagini was running out of reasons to hate the thing. It hadn’t done any wrong to her, actually. That one time with the peacock had been entirely Nagini’s fault, she was ready and willing to admit in the privacy of her own mind. (What privacy was left in it, anyway.)

Footsteps approached, taking her out of her thoughts. Nagini flicked her tongue out; it was her master! And he brought the greasy human as well. Oh, hopefully she could eat him this time. Her master seemed meditative, the same as he was when he tried to figure out which human’s screams sounded better.

And, a few boring minutes later, Nagini was chewing on the greasy human with gusto while her master scooped Daisy up into his long sleeves. Seeing this, Nagini hissed, leaving the human at once.

“ _Nagini...yess, you had better come as well. You will be ssafe at my sside._ ” Her master had barely spared her a glance before moving.

If snakes had lips, Nagini would have pouted.

As it was, snakes did not have lips, so all Nagini could do was resign herself to slithering along the dark passageway with her master. Where were they going?

 

 


	6. In Which a Death Occurs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :(

The human didn’t burn; why didn’t he burn? A flash of metal--he had a sword, was that why he refused to be cooked?--and he came at her master. _No!_

Nagini sprang out, fangs dripping with venom, her master’s voice ringing in her ears. Oh, he cared. He really did care.

And knowing that, Nagini gladly went to her death.

 

 


	7. In Which Victory is Declared

Daisy stepped over the various corpses littering the floor with all the dainty of a French aristocrat. Once she arrived at the severed snake head, though, she let all pretense drop and smugly lay down, her head between her paws.

“ _Pathetic_ ,” she scoffed, her bright eyes staring at her unmoving rival. Nagini should not have been so sentimental, Daisy thought. Somehow, though, it had been very satisfying to play the helpless kitten these past few months, a role she would have to keep up in the near future if she wanted her way. Her master, with whom she shared a soul, was by a great stroke of luck uninterested (or perhaps ignorant of) the language of cats, and therefore Daisy found it quite easy to maintain her ruse. Her “master” would not be able to understand her mind, even were he to read it, after all. As if thinking about him had conjured him up, Lord Voldemort suddenly approached.

“Daisy, do get away from that. I must keep you safe, now, above all others.”

Daisy purred as Voldemort picked her up from the ground and began to stroke her. Oh, perhaps there were benefits to acting the idiot…

A flash of her plans suddenly appeared in her mind, and was just as quickly snatched away by the wizard softly petting her fur. Daisy froze at once, angling her head slightly to see his reaction.

“My pet, you wish for more...companions?” Voldemort seemed perplexed. Daisy bobbed her head up and down. “I see,” the man said in his reedy voice. “Then I shall gather more kittens for you, Daisy.”

Daisy stretched and meowed happily, her best feline imitation of a smile on her face. Oh, yes. Soon, very, very soon, Daisy thought, she and her compatriots would rule the world.

And this old human man would not be any the wiser.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this wasn't confusing. Hopefully this was also entertaining.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
